The first image that springs to mind when I try to imagine it is a piece of shrapnel. Fragments of durable metal shaped into a lump. Sharp and dangerous. Designed to cause maximum damage.Â
The word we use for these deadly projectiles comes from the name of a military man, Henry Shrapnel, a British Army officer who invented the shrapnel shell in the late 18th century. The British artillery adopted it with much enthusiasm. The Duke of Wellington, the hero of the Battle of Waterloo, where shrapnel shells were used, is said to have praised it not only for its physical destructive force but also for its ability to cause psychological devastation. Scattering fragments upon detonation, shrapnel shells would demoralise the enemy and force them to take cover.
Image: Photo taken by my brother Volodya Pavliv, 2015.
These fragments of metal are scattered around my country. They have penetrated the soil of the land and pierced the bodies of its people. One such fragment caused the death of my brother. ‘Fracture to the head caused by shrapnel. Crushing of the brain. Injuries resulting from war operations that resulted in death. The injuries and the cause of death are related to the protection of the homeland’, detailed his military medical notes.
So, perhaps it’s no wonder that when I try to imagine what my cancer lump looks like, nesting on the left side of my chest, so near to where we tend to imagine the location of the heart, I see before my eyes a splinter of war. A sharp piece of metal melted in the heat of violence, designed to demoralise and cause maximum damage.
Image: Lviv train station, June 2024
I’m lucky. I’m told my ‘shrapnel’ can be shrunk by medicinal poison and pulled out by skilled professionals. I am determined to heal the wound. So many wounds from real shrapnel have gone untreated, and so many more will keep on bleeding. If I can heal my own, perhaps, I can be useful in helping others heal theirs.
London, 3 September 2024.
Text and photos may only be reproduced with the author's permission.
Please consider supporting Svoyi, a Ukrainian charity that helps people with cancer (including the military): https://svoyi.org.ua/en.
I believe in a miracle. What else. I believe, when people write and share their pain, it will eventually vanish. I wish you well. You are a fighter and you already healing yourself, and others will benefit from your words. Thank you for writing this important piece 💜